Your friend has cancer: What should you do (according to Robyn)?
by Robyn on Sunday, July 8, 2012 at 5:40pm ·A number of people have asked me lately how they can help a friend who'sjust been diagnosed with cancer. I suspect they've asked me because my partnerwas diagnosed and treated for breast cancer twice by the time she was 44. Mostof our friends had not yet faced life-threatening health issues and we all hadto muddle through together to learn how to give and accept support.
So, here's my advice on how to support a friend or family member facingcancer. Everything here also applies to partners/family/caregivers. Feel freeto add your own observations and pass it on to anyone who would benefit.
Ask after your friend in a way that acknowledges his/her situation. Youmight say “How are you holding up today?” rather than “How’s it going?” whichis an all-purpose greeting that doesn’t always convey that you are actuallyasking a sincere question, and ready to listen to a real answer.
It’s okay to use humor, especially if know your friend’s sense of humor. Forinstance, you might say “How are the seven levels of hell today?” or “On ascale of 'okay' to 'craptastic,' how’s today feeling?”
Lots of people mean it when they say “Call if you need anything.” But doingso is not always so easy for some people. It’s hard to ask for help doingstupid, mundane or dirty jobs. And it’s more difficult to ask for helpwhen you’re not feeling well. Such people might be more able to answerspecific questions about their needs. So you could ask “Could yourbathroom use a good cleaning? I’m available today or tomorrow and have myScrubbing Bubbles out and ready.”
Or something along the lines of “What’s on your to-do list today that I canhelp you cross off? I’m up for anything from changing the cat litter towatching the children.”
Consider presenting your offer as part of a choice: “I made some good lemoncake. Would you be up for me to drop it off tonight? Or should I pop it in thefreezer so it’s there when you feel like eating?”
Or, “if you think you’d be up for it, I’d love to take you to lunch nextweek, but I’d also be happy to pick up a sandwich and bring it over. Do youhave a preference?”
Always ask, never assume or just show up. Sometimes company is greatmedicine, but sometimes it’s an imposition; and it can be either, on any day.
Ask your friend what the experience is like for them and listen to how theyrespond. Think of specific questions, like “What’s been the most surprisingpart so far?” or “Has what you’re going through changed your perspective onanything?” It’s also okay to ask questions like “Are you afraid?” and “Are youangry?”
Follow up with additional questions like “Do you have an outlet for youranger?” if you sense that is appropriate (but don’t play 20 Questions unlessyou’ve agreed to that game for distraction purposes). Sometimes it takesa bit of detective work to discover what you can offer, such as being thedesignated nonjudgmental listener of rants.
Be aware that emotions can be very intense, and that when physically tired,people can be even more emotional than usual. One of the greatest giftsyou can offer another person is remain present, even in the face of intenseemotion. If your friend cries, don’t worry that you can’t fix it. Just bepresent with them in their tears, and let them know by your actions that you’llbe there on the teary moments, the angry moments and the funny moments.
Keep being yourself. It’s scary to be around someone in pain and hurtingwhen you can’t solve it, but your gift of showing up as yourself is likely muchmore important than making lasagna.
Speaking of lasagna, if you make food, please consider making something thatis not heavily spiced, and is easy to eat if chemotherapy is involved in atreatment plan. There are lots of different kinds of chemo drugs, and everyoneresponds to them differently, but it's always best to err on the safe side.Vindaloo might irritate tender digestive systems, but mashed sweet potatoesmight just hit the spot. Always make small amounts at first to gauge whetherthe food is able to be eaten and enjoyed.
Think twice about gifts that require ongoing care. House plants are a lovelyidea, but if you might also want to think about offering a watering service sothere’s no maintenance burden on your recipient. Also, avoid burdening acaregiver with additional tasks, as well.
Be sensitive to the fact that, even with great insurance, illness isexpensive. Insurance doesn't pay for parking for daily or weekly appointments,eye drops, special food, or babysitting. And it doesn't replace lost income,either.
Medical waiting rooms are boring places. If your friend is going to a lot ofappointments, consider putting together a 20-minute care package ofdistractions. Consider cough drops or breath mints, puzzles, short stories ormagazines, dirty limericks, a collection of funny videos, lists of grammarerrors, knitting yarn and needles, or whatever might appeal.
Think about ways you can provide your friend happy moments in the midst of ahard time. Perhaps you know someone who owns a limo business and can arrangefor a limo ride to the doctor’s office some day. Or perhaps you know a lot ofpeople all over the world and can get them to send postcard greetings cheeringon your friend on a designated day.
Try not to take anything personally. During difficult times, you may not getyour calls returned quickly (or at all). You may not get the support you areused to getting as part of your family or friendship. Continue being patientand compassionate as much as you can.
Everyone says stupid things sometimes. If you say something you realize wasstupid, just acknowledge that and say what you intended to say. Maybe you canlaugh about it together later.
Ask your friend how they feel about cancer culture before sending them everyribbon-related item you can find, walking 20 miles in their name, orsending them articles on how the aloe vera your uncle sells really doescure cancer. Everyone is comfortable with different levels of privacy andinvolvement.
Acknowledge that cancer affects more people than those undergoing actualtreatment. Ask close family and friends how they are doing, and listencarefully to their perspectives and experiences, too. Watch for signs ofexhaustion and give them a break if you can.
Some days, your friend may be depressed. Ask if they’d like to be alone orcheered up before just showing up with a petting zoo (although a petting zoo ona better day might be a peak and picture-worthy moment).
Keep in mind that your friend is not solely responsible for “kickingcancer’s ass” even though they surely want to. They are dependent upontiming, the skill of a number of doctors, biology and sometimes, luck.
Nor are they quite as responsible for being strong role models as we projectthem to be. Often, they don’t have many other choices than to do what they aredoing. Glorifying their strength may build some people up, but it may also makeothers uncomfortable if the reality doesn’t feel superhuman to them or if theyfeel afraid. Admire something specific, such as how they handled a toughdecision, shared their knowledge, or even got out of bed, if you can.
Finally, look for ways to appreciate and applaud the special personalitiesand qualities of your friend. They are still themselves, even though they areundergoing treatment and having tough times.
----END post by Robyn
In the huffington post today
What you should or shouldn't say to someone with breast cancer
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hollye-harrington-jacobs/breast-cancer-month_b_1948197.html
Hollye Harrington Jacobs is the creator of The Silver Pen blog (http://www.thesilverpen.com/).
The Silver Pen began as a way to discuss Hollye’s journey with breast cancer. She believes that breast cancer happens within the ecosystem of family, friends and community. Consequently, Hollye decided to take the holistic approach and write about breast cancer with style, a sense of humor and Silver Linings. She is an Oscar de la Renta-wearing Pediatric and Adult Palliative Care Nurse and Social Worker with graduate degrees in Bioethics and Child Development.
Previously, Hollye worked as an educator, clinician, trainer, and consultant at the City of Hope National Medical Center, the University of Chicago Children’s Hospital, the University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine and Northwestern Memorial Hospital.
Posted with Blogsy
No comments:
Post a Comment