Worried?

Rumor has it people get worried when I stop making entries...don't worry. Usually it's just cuz I have either had cancer overload and just need a break from thinking about it.  Or that I have gotten uber busy doing other things for awhile -- the life that continues whether you have cancer or not.

T has pointed out that I don't have cancer any longer, but for now I must think as if I do to get through the chemo that is yet to come.  There must be an enemy I am fighting -- some war that I am winning - some accomplishment that is so large as to warrant the assault that will happen.  If I feel the war has already been won, well... it's hard to gear up for a war you already won (just talk to all those men and women who spent years overseas, eh?).

Does it say something about me that I lay in bed and rather than reviewing nightmare side effects -- I wonder how best to dress for chemo? What outfit will show off my personality but still allow access to draw blood etc.? That I worry I will be forced to wear yet another "one size fits all" gown and it will take away my spark?

These days I wonder about making THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT and if that's what I should do.  I feel as though my community -- meaning the body modification community primarily -- could be a good support to me over the next three months.  That by them knowing they may be more patient and gentle with me as far as my absence from work, my errors, my lack of focus.  I know there is some weird thing I have about broadcasting my tragedies however, and I wonder if this urge to make such an announcement is a healthy urge.  I figure this is one of those things you let sit, turn over to your "higher power" and know that it will either happen or not -- and either way it's the right thing.

I am making alot of lists these days.  Lists of supplies to have on hand for "just in case" side effects.  Lists of teas, lozenges, supplements which are thought to help with side effects, and outcomes of chemo.  There will be a great shopping which I thought would happen this weekend but didn't... so maybe next weekend.  I know that 18th date will seem far away and then be upon me with a rush -- so I need to be aware of that.

I have been working a lot - trying to finish up some big projects - I have high (probably too high) aspirations for what I can accomplish in the next week -- so that's another list.

And my sister says " I do not think you will be as debilitated as you think you will be " - AWESOME.  But I am not counting on that - planning for the worst - hoping for the best.  <<< this is the motto of the month.

I have offers of help - people who want to travel and be here - cook, clean, moral support etc.  I'm the girl who doesn't want anyone to hold her hair.  It's hard for me to be seen as vulnerable, much less, flat out icky.  The tentative plan is - we experience the first treatment sans assistance.  It's perhaps the scariest one but likely to be the easiest on me physically.   We have Sharon and Mickey out (one at a time) for two of the others.  We go to Thanksgiving in Oklahoma.  The Christmas treatment is bound to be the hardest physically -- but it will be the last -- Christmas will be bittersweet - and hopefully if all scheduling goes well - we will ring in the new year - cancer free/treatment free.

It appears (though all humans are different) that most experience this (on my regimen of drugs):

Day 1-3 feel ok -hyper even due to steroids given with treatment
Day 3-10 feel like crap  - in bed unable to do normal routine
Day 10-14 feel almost normal / go to work etc.
Day 14-21 feel immense fatigue - but able to do some stuff some of the time

Biggest impediment to getting through and done- getting infection of some type; white count dropping too low that it throws off the chemo schedule.

Current chemo schedule: Oct 18th, Nov 8th, Nov 29th, Dec 20

Yah well that pretty much catches you guys up.  I need to make a call today or tomorrow to the nurse as I have some questions - it looks like all the literature says they will start me on steroids the day prior to chemo but since I will be in Lawrence then -- I need to find out if they are just skipping that or what.  I have a call into the claims people at the hospital looking at my denial for part of the Radiation services - so hopefully that will get resolved.

I know I haven't done very good at individual thank yous for gifts and cards etc. I hope you can understand. Just know that I feel the love and prayers everyday - I get day brighteners from you and it really does make my heart sing.